1. Feeling like a freak everywhere I go, no matter who I’m with. I hate always feeling like the odd one out, like I’m never quite on the same page as anyone. It definitely doesn’t help that everyone seems to be 100% satisfied with the friends they already have. No room for anyone new/different/[enter euphemistic phrase here].
2. Hoping things will change. I keep taking measures, making changes, trying new things that always fail. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep all while trying to convince myself that tomorrow will be better. It never is.
3. Hurting all the time. I know it rarely seems like it, but that’s just because I learned a long time ago that only so much emotion is socially acceptable. Anything above that point tends to make people uncomfortable. I’m tired of putting a lid on what I feel. I just can’t do it anymore.
“Don’t worry; this doesn’t change a thing for you.”
I’ll just go away; it’s not like anyone would really miss me. We won’t have to speak, you won’t have to worry or feel uncomfortable, and we’ll just pretend like nothing ever was wrong.
“Hi, I’m Kelly.”
I grew up a really quiet and reserved kind of kid. I never really talked to anyone, never really let myself build very many friendships. My best friend is my best friend because in middle school I told her I wanted to kill myself. I got lucky. I realize now that that’s not really how most people go about making friends. We traded secrets and laughed to stay sane, to stay alive. We knew that no matter how alone we felt, we’d have each other: by phone or by AIM or by whatever emo bands we both loved at the time. Yeah, I got really lucky.
“Hi, I’m Kelly.”
It’s something I stopped saying for a long time. I just assumed that no one really cared. To be fair, it was a false observation, distorted from years of struggling with depression on my own. But anytime I walked into a roomful of people, I knew that I was going to leave no mark, make no impression, that at the end of the night, I was going to be alone again. I collapsed on myself. I was increasingly less involved with the real world. I didn’t care how I looked or what was going on around me. I didn’t bother getting to know other people or telling them where I’d been or what I’d learned. I had no idea what I had to offer, so I kept quiet. I didn’t share any worry or concern for anyone, not even an opinion, because I honestly believed that it wouldn’t matter. I never took sides or stood up for those I cared for. I didn’t know the value in taking action. I just sat back and watched all my relationships move away from me because I didn’t know I had the power to keep them close.
“Hi, I’m Kelly.”
So much time has passed since those dark days. Years, a decade or more. People continue to move, to come and go, and I find myself desperate for something to hold onto; to stay grounded, anchored. I finally want to know other people, their stories, the lessons they’ve learned, just as badly as I want to be known. But the thing I always forget is that all that time I let pass in dark silence, everyone else was already getting to know each other. People have been making friends and telling stories and supporting each other and crying together and carrying each other. People have been creating and strengthening bonds that will last the rest of their natural lives. This has been the time that it’s been happening, and I’ve missed it. I keep forgetting that it’s very unlikely to meet someone who’s just one person: someone without a friend, fiance, spouse, parent, sibling, child, mentor, lover, etc. who is looking for just one person. It’s very unlikely that I’ll meet someone who doesn’t know where they stand in the world, who still wonders what kind of person they are or what they have to offer. It’s very unlikely that I’ll meet someone who needs just one person, because they already know so many, and I’ve missed out.
“Hi, I’m Kelly.”
I don’t know what I wouldn’t give to have a few more opportunities to say this and really be heard.
This is a song I wrote a while back. I’m posting it because someone has asked to hear it, and cannot listen to it on his own computer. If you like it, feel free to share or leave a comment.
I recently told someone, I can’t remember who, that my strongest relationship is with music. It’s really easy to connect with, and you don’t have to go thru that awkward “sharing/getting to know you” stage. It’s just as easy for me to remember times and places and names and faces of the singers I love and the songs I’ve learned to sing as it is for most other people to remember the actual people and parties and conversations they have. I know; it’s weird. But it’s me.
So, I know this guy, who’s really a nice guy, except for the fact that he’s madly in love with (and engaged to) someone else. Music has been the biggest part of the time we’ve spent together, so (un?)naturally, I find myself getting pretty attached. He plays piano and sings Broadway with me and whoever else feels so inclined. Now, I want to make it very, very clear, I have ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER of trying to steal this guy, or make him doubt his love, or whatever. I just don’t have that capacity, and he’s already made a pretty heavy decision. However, I’m still left in this stupid predicament of having feelings for a guy who isn’t available.
So, I’m currently obsessed with a few Broadway musicals instead; namely, “Wicked,” “Aida,” Les Miserables,” and “Ragtime.” I currently relate quite well to Elpheba, in fact. I’ve run my throat into the ground, so to speak, trying to learn all her songs in “Wicked.” I’m probably going to have to stop for couple days.
I just hope that I can eventually separate the memories from the songs. Otherwise, this obsession will just become downright masochistic.
I read in the first chapter of Malachi how the Lord feels about complacency. The Jews were offering torn bread at the alter and sacrificing sick or lame animals, and He chastised them. He said that He is a great God and the heathen nations would fear Him and respect His name. It’s pretty clear the Lord expects more from His people than a minimum effort.
Which got me thinking about all the things that I’ve gotten complacent with in my life: my job, my room, financially, physically, etc. I’m not making my best effort in any of these areas. I’m doing everything impulsively and not really thinking about what I’m doing with my resources or where my decisions (or current lack thereof) are taking me.
So I’m deciding to start simply: a deep conditioning treatment for my hair. I’ve been using shampoo since I cut it about a year ago, and it’s gotten really dry and dull. Then, over the next few weeks I will start really paying attention and doing the things that will promote physical health, like daily exercise and eating more fruits and veggies; and financial security, like budgeting and saving. It’s going to take daily attention to see that I never reach this level of complacency again.
of a good anagram tool? I’ve got an anagram that i need to crack. can I use Microsoft word?
So, a few days ago i crocheted a hat. I haven’t successfully crocheted anything for about a year. So, after i finished the hat, i started knitting a scarf. I haven’t knitted anything for at least as long.
I’ve concluded that I need to stop cutting myself off from my favorite pastimes, because I only miss them quite terribly.
this means a song is probably forthcoming, as I haven’t written for a few months.
I have yet to build the discipline to finish anything I start. I have yet to learn the discipline to only work on one or two projects at a time.
Translation: I’m still working on writing and recording a record, but I started writing this thing about Good and Bad within oneself. I may have just decreased my chances of finishing either one.
I guess I’ll try to do both, but I’m going to have to be wayyy more organized than I have ever been, and take both projects seriously, giving them both time and work each day.
and thinking a lot about what it means to be lonely, and about how I deal with it.
I read a quote on the facebook profile of this artist I went to high school with, by Carl Jung (which I stole) that says, “Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” I thought about the times (quite recently, I might add) that I felt the most lonely. I happened to be alone, with no one around, but that wasn’t what caused me to feel lonely. I was praying and telling God that I was lonely, that it still hurts that people move away from me; that I want to know that there is someone in the world who will not only love my heart and mind and soul as well as my body, but that would stay with me for at least the rest of our lives; with whom I could start and raise a loving family and who would work hard to support us.
I am lonely because I can not, of myself, bring this longing desire into reality.
All I can do in the meantime is fill my life with people and projects that are meaningful and as fulfilling as possible, keeping in mind that no one project or person is meant to make me whole.
(I wrote and published this post while listening to “Hazy” by Rosi Golan featuring William Fitzsimmons.)
A song I recorded yesterday/earlier tonight (i haven’t gone to bed yet and it’s a little after 3 am.)
If you have gotten more sleep than i have at them moment, please be sure to let me know what you think, and share if you think it’s worth the listen!
I can’t even say it. (Stupid thing to say on the internet, I know.)
It’s wayyy beyond a cute quirk and borders on clinically insane.
The thing is, I’m writing this album called “Sorting Things Out,” which basically deals with all the things I’ve thought, the habits I’ve developed thus far, good and bad. I’m basically trying to see if I can sift through it all and build a happier, healthier person out of the wreck I now see myself as. So, this secret, should I write about it, would go quite well on the record.
On the other hand, I have this very intense fear that if this secret gets out, all of humanity will deny me, and I’ll be branded not only as mentally unstable, but emotionally and socially leprous as well.
Luckily for the time being, I have a few other ideas with which to occupy myself. Maybe in the mean time I can convince myself that I have no bad ideas just long enough to work out a demo no one will ever hear.
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
I need a job with regular hours. Early ones, so I can do other things in the afternoons/evenings.
I hate working a few hours here and there, with days off in between, and always different days. I need a job with structure and balance, one that predictable and boring.
Give me 9-5 reception at a dental office.
Or better still, 8-6 M-Th! Weekends for adventures!!!!
It appears that no significant work will get done until I have regular, planned time in which to do it.